Saturday, July 26, 2014

Reflections

Right now I am stuck in Natitingou. I am on my way back from COS medical, in which the doctors basically check up on me to make sure I have any and all issues dealt with before they release me into the states. I was worried about money, since If I don’t get it now, I have to come back once again to Natitingou. So I was delighted Friday night to receive a text saying that the money was deposited into my account. But, I arrive at the bank, and the doors are shut. I ask the guard, and he tells me it is Korite, or the end of Ramadan. “But that’s not until Monday,” I point out.

“Yes, Monday is a holiday. But the bank isn’t open today either.”

I inform the guard that I feel this is ridiculous (though he obviously had no part in the decision-making and can do even less about it), and walk away. I then decide just to go back to Kerou in these fancy new taxi they have, which is a daily ride, and much more comfortable than other taxis and especially zems. So I call up the taxi, to make a reservation. “Oh, I’m not traveling tomorrow,” he says. “It’s a holiday on Monday, so I just want to rest tomorrow (Sunday)” Sigh. I know, yes people should have breaks. But the bank already has the weekends off every week, unlike most people in Benin, and perhaps the taxi company should also have more than one driver doing a daily route? Just a thought.

Anyway, I wanted to take the time to reflect a little on my Peace Corps Service. Now that it is officially ending in about a month, I wanted to look back on my successes, failures, lessons learned, etc.
To start with successes: hands down, my biggest success was the creation of a Village Savings and Loans Association, and the creation of an extensive accounting system for them. I spent hours upon hours working on, modifying, improving, etc the spreadsheets. Originally hand-drawing line after line into a paper notebook, I realized this was a not sustainable practices; the artisans would never take the time to do this all themselves! So I created a printed version, where the groups can keep blank sheets to copy every year for their accounting book. I have updated this version multiple times as we’ve run into newer problems, and I’ve changed the sheets to make them clearer and more user-friendly. Most recently I created a spreadsheet where they can verify all the totals on a regular basis, and ultimately calculate the amount to be shared.

Credit is such an important part of the modern economy. No one can really grow and evolve without it. But on the other hand, it can have high interest rates and fees, which can be crippling to small-time farmers and entrepreneurs. This is why I love the VSLAs so much. Yes, the loans require fees, but at the end of the year, ideally each person gets this money back, provided they’ve also saved money at the same rate as other group members.

I’ve had quite a number of failures. The most disappointing one for me was the chicken-raising operation never getting off the ground. Even if they mayor’s office hadn’t come in and steam-rollered those plans (then pretended like they were back on board for a few days, and then never brought it up again), I’m just not sure it would have worked. It required a huge investment from local farmers, who don’t necessarily have that money. Even if they did hand over the cash as soon as they sold some of their cash crops, that might mean that their family goes hungry for a bit somewhere later down the line. I think, maybe if I had more time and more structural support, it would have been a huge, wonderful, project which allowed twenty individuals to increase their incomes dramatically as well as increase the protein available in the whole community.

I sometimes wonder if it might have been better never to have done the irrigation project. I had this magnificent plan where I quickly put out this irrigation project, turned in the completion report, and immediately submitted the chicken-raising grant. But the irrigation project was delayed. By me being stuck in Cotonou, by the government shutdown, by Hubert’s lack of cooperation, my own inadequacies, and so forth. And in the end, this project…well I’d say it’s not been an entire failure, but it got pretty darn close.

So what if I had just skipped all that, and already gotten the grant for the chicken-raising before the mayor’s office came in to stomp on my plans? What if, inspired by the appearance of actual funds, the group members manage to scrounge up their own contributions, and the project takes off? Who knows, maybe this project would have been amazing. Maybe it would have hit more snags than anything else, and failed more miserably than any other thing I tried (and an expensive failure at that!)

Perhaps it’s stupid to think about the “what-ifs”. I still am glad that I did the irrigation project on some levels. I think I made a huge mistake by designing it around the idea that it would hook up to a water tower. In retrospect, of course that was a terrible idea! No farmer even in the states would hook up to the town water supply. Everyone has their own wells. I just wasn’t thinking logically. In my mind, I guess it made sense because there was no other water supply available. There is no stream or lake nearby this new location, and the water line ran right through it! When I think of wells that could work with irrigation, I think of American-style wells, and the only ones here are the traditional hole-in-the-ground, pull-up-a-bucket kinds. I also had no one here tell me it was a bad idea, even my community partners who are supposed to be experts on agriculture. Everyone just did what occurred to me. I think it’s part of the culture, to never disagree with someone—especially someone giving you money—so Hubert made promises that he would totally make sure the mayor’s office had a deal with the women, etc. While at the same time, (looking back, I realize this) working with the mayor’s office to get a well in the exact same spot. I’m betting he even planned on hooking up the well to my irrigation system the whole time, using a gas-powered pump. But why couldn’t he had just said that from the beginning?

I know I was in a rush to get this project done. Not only because of the second Food Security project I wanted to do, but also because of the small window of time in which the ground is actually okay to dig and lay these systems. If I had just taken a second to breathe, maybe the well-idea would have been suggested. I would have realized that was a way better option than having to pay for town water. I probably would have had to make sure the mayor’s office (or another NGO) would contribute the well, because there was not enough left in the budget for a well also. But it could have gone so much smoother.

In conclusion COMMUNICATION. Sure, I can blame it on the culture here, that telling people “no” isn’t a thing. But also, I’m sure it has a lot to do with NGOs that come in and have certain goals, and specific technologies/practices they want to impose, and thus are not always willing to listen to local suggestions. So maybe at some point locals just learned to shut up and do whatever the people handing out the money said was the best based on their INFALLIBLE LOGIC. Maybe I shouldn’t have brushed aside so easily my doubts about the feasibility of hooking up to the water tower. Asked Hubert, or other partners more questions, looked for other possible solutions, etc.

At least I have plenty of lessons learned. I have the irrigation project, which I tried to throw haphazardly together, alongside my slow and plodding (but ultimately very successful) progress with my Savings and Loans Association. Then, of course, there is the School Improvement program. I have been way less involved in its implementation, but I think it is one of the better things I’ve done. It was entirely community-driven, organized mostly by a very motivated individual. It helps very rural, very poor children, and is sustainable (hypothetically).

The most important lessons I have learned is consistency and dedication. I have tried to throw together some projects, but had them broken up by my absences or lack of interpreter or simply the rain. Getting people motivated the first time is hard. The second, third, whatever times are even harder. I have found this when I tried to start a literacy or financial class, but would have to take a two week break. Getting people to come back after the two weeks was always difficult. Furthermore, it’s harder for people to remember when there is too much time in between. One small endeavor I undertook with Anna was accounting for illiterates. It might have worked out much better if I had been able to go to the groups every single week and teach them, but I wasn’t. I had Peace Corps trainings to go to, or the interpreter was only allowed to visit groups once a month.  On days that I was able to show up (with the interpreter begrudgingly supplied by the mayor’s office), many of the women weren’t there. It had been too long since the previous lesson, so they had forgotten, or maybe they weren’t even at the previous lesson. I wish I had more time, less illness, and more support. But don’t we all?


In the end, I’m proud of what I’ve done. There are opportunities that were missed for a plethora of reasons. But I’m hoping that my next step in life will lead me to make use of these lessons that I’ve learned and apply this to my future work in aiding developing communities.

Monday, July 7, 2014

Updates

At least now I have an excuse as to why I have not updated my blog. No computer, no writing. Maria, the godsend that she is, has lent me her iPad. For the most part, I find it pretty unhelpful, because it mostly revolves around needing internet. I guess it does help when I’m at a workstation, that I can browse the internet on something besides my phone. And of course, I didn’t discover that it has Pages (the Apple version of WORD), for a while. Which would have been helpful. Since my discovery, I have been using it to continue my writing endeavors, so that’s nice. Although the ultimate would have been having Numbers (Excel), but alas, that was never meant to be. I don’t have a charger for an iPad charger, only for an iPod. Apparently this means a huge difference in charging-speeds. So it takes hours and hours for the iPad to charge. Oh, and I can’t use it while its charging, because its temperamental. Life is hard.

Nevertheless, I suppose I have managed to get a lot accomplished in the last month. I was supposed to be organizing the workbook for the girls camp that Maria, Raili, Ron (volunteer in Gnemasson, 1.5 hours south), Will (volunteer in Oussa-Pehanco, 2 hours south), and Ally (volunteer 2 hours south and .5 hours east), and I are putting together. The workbook, of course, gets a lot harder with my lack of computer. I have to depend on Raili and Maria and there generous donations of computer time.

Maria got a job offer at USAID (GO MARIA!!!), so she returned to Kérou after organizing the completion of tshirts and organizing the purchase of mosquito nets. I offer to swap her my help in packing for use of her computer, which of course she accepts. So we spend a few days packing all of her stuff. I have this habit of waking up absurdly early nowadays, so I’d work in the morning until she woke up, and then we’d start on packing. After a bit, Maria would convince me that what we really needed to be doing was watching The Mindy Project (a hilarious series, I’d highly recommend). We might get back to packing after ten or so episodes. And so our days went.

One day, before a meeting with my artisans, I happened to stop to get an omlet-sandwich. As I’m minding my own business, a guy walks up to me, and insists on greeting me. I thought it might be someone I vaguely know, so I said hi and went back to my meal. He sits down beside me, and not without me even looking at him, he says to me, “It’s Matthew”.

My whole body freezes. It’s him. The guy who has been harassing me. Not looking back at him, I think back to our interaction a few seconds ago. He’s so ugly. I mean, getting uglier by the second as I think about how much stress he has caused me over the past year. I ignore him, and don’t respond. I finish my sandwich and tea. As I’m trying to pay, he says, “Where are you going today?” He doesn’t even make sure to have my attention. He just says it in the direction of my body. As if I’m not a thing to be engaged before talking to. I say nothing. I get up and ride away on my bike. I go in the opposite direction, then loop around on a back-road to Maria’s house. When I arrive, he’s sent me a message saying that he was sorry he was so shy at breakfast, but if I’m ready to “start” with him, he’s totally ready too. I don’t get it. I really don’t. Like I don’t know how to be any clearer that I am in no way interested. Although, honestly, meeting him allowed me to see how sad and pathetic he is. He’s a guy lacking confidence, or any real ability to relate to women. He’s a bumbling excuse for a human being. My hate is in no way lessened, but my fear is. [He left Kerou officially a few days later, and since that day, he has called me a few times and once sent me a text after my failure to answer, asking what was wrong. Umm. What’s wrong is that you’re still calling me. Although, I don’t understand why you’re insinuating that anything is different, because this is exactly how I’ve treated you from Day 1.]

Anyway, back at Maria’s house, I finished up trimming the workbook, and Raili finally made it back to town. We had to come up with songs to incorporate. “Allouette” was an obvious choice. And there’s a Beninese song that talks about working hard in school to the tune of “Frere Jacques”. Furthermore, I translated a song from Mar-Lu-Ridge (I’m Alive, Awake, Alert, Enthusiastic, to the tune of “If you’re happy and you know it”) into French. My favorite part was, however, translating a song from girl scout camp. It was a song that my sisters and I loved, a call and response that basically is about a girl seeing a cute boy sipping cider through a straw, wanting to learn this talent, ultimately sipping cider “lip to lip” and thus ending up with 49 kids. So Raili and I translated this into French, with a story about a cute boy eating sheep meat, a love story that involves skipping school and ultimately finding out the boy is cheating (in Beninese culture, we were unsure if having an absurd amount of kids would exactly be a thing looked down upon. Obviously 49 is an excessive number, but not AS excessive as it is in the States. And besides, people find cheating-plots hilarious here, so it fits). The moral of our story was to leave the boys and do school work. We were super-proud of this song.

So finally the book is ready to be printed. I leave Friday the 13th to head to Parakou. Here is the Business Club competition that I’ve been preparing my students for. I have two students, presenting two different plans. I’m kind of worried about it, because I’m not sure that they’re entirely prepared. However, they manage to pull off decent presentations (and I use my grandmother’s old trick of pulling on my ear when they started speaking too fast). The kids had a really good time, meeting other students from around the country, and got really excited about their ideas and business in general. On the way back I even talked to them about continuing a business club next year without me.

Me with my two students


While in Parakou, I print out the workbook, and then give it to a photo-copy store to organize into all 38 copies. I explain to the woman very thoroughly how I’d like everything to turn out. She seems to be really competant, and when I come back a few hours later, she has everything copied and bound into the books. Everything seems to be falling into place.

I journey back with my kids Sunday, and then spend the rest of the week doing all the last-minute prep for our camp. Maria has already left, but another volunteer, Nora, has agreed to help out our camp.

Our camp starts in true Beninese fashion. There is a taxi that is supposed to be coming from Pehanco (two hours south of us) to pick up all of the girls and volunteers in Kerou. This was organized through Beninese friend in Pehanco, but upon the chauffer realizing that he was talking to white girls (via the phone) he decides he’s up for some tricks. Raili calls him right as he’s supposed to be in route to Kerou, actually almost there. He says, “Actually the price isn’t good. So I’m not coming. Unless, of course, you double the fee.”

Raili calls me, and we debate it. We are enraged by this maneuver, especially that he didn’t even have the decency to call us to make sure we would be arriving on time. But, the price we had agreed to was actually less than we had budgeted. Our budget was the price of each individual to travel in a normal taxi, and renting out a whole taxi as one group is obviously less expensive. So ultimately we pay what we would have paid as a per-person deal, even though it irks us the way we were tricked out of the money. Oh well.

We arrive, and things are chaos due to miscommunication between the director of the school where we’re hosting the camp, and the teachers/students. After a while we finally figure things out, and the camp gets started.

It’s thirty girls (5 girls from 6 different schools). We also have various “Model women”, meaning women from the community who are good role models. Our original intention was to have women from various sectors. However, both of my artisan/business owner women fell through, as did the two women’s health physicians. So it ended up being all teachers. They were really invaluable. A lot of times with basic things, such as translating our “Americanized” French into “Beninese” French, or just clarifying ideas. They offered valuable insight as we talked about things from budgets to sexual health.

I was launched back into Mar-Lu-Ridge mode. We even did a few skits that were from MLR. I’m not sure if they exactly translated culturally. The girls laughed late. Or in places I wouldn’t think one should laugh. Or we’d get the punchline, and it would be funny, but the girls wouldn’t seem to realize that it was the punchline, as in they’d be, HAHA, that line was funny, instead of HAHAHA, that skit was hilarious. Oh well, they still laughed, at least a little bit.

We had lessons in various subject areas, such as study skills, critical thinking, environment, hygiene, business plans and budgeting (by yours truly), and sexual health, as well as other activities to break up the classroom monotony. I introduced more camp games; they loved “Fox and Squirrel” or as we called it “Lion and Antelope”, which is a modified “tag”. We did some team-building activities. These took a while to explain, and so much longer for the girls to understand. I guess there are just some things that I take for granted, especially having spent so many years at camp, and in church/school events with similar principles. Explaining them to someone who lives in a culture that has never been introduced to games for the sake of team-building, including high and low ropes courses, it was a hard bridge to cross. In the end it worked out, however, at least mostly. It might also help if I had the French vocabulary built around these activities, but I guess I should have prepared more?

The last night, we had planned a dance party for the girls. The location is a bar that happens to double as a brothel. (Yes, if we were in the States, our asses would have been sued/put in jail). But it was the most practical place. Because honestly, every single “Maison des Jeunes / Youth House” that is  staple of every village, and paid for by the mayor’s office, is so underutilized that they all get converted into bars anyway, and thus not so helpful for actual youth activities (which really don’t exist). There aren’t really any other locations where we could have held this party.

Additionally, we made arrangements with the bar owner in advance. He happens to love Ally and her friends (thanks to her birthday celebration). So weeks ago, the owner agreed that he would reserve the space for us from 8 until 10, and no one else (especially creeper men, who have no business looking at middle-school girls) would be allowed in. And we would purchase 36 soft drinks (one for each of the girls and Model Women, so he was supposed to have those ready for us.

We arrive, and everything is terrible. There are men sitting around, watching the world cup. Because sports are more important than anything, we’re told that the bar obviously can’t kick these men out!!! It’s the WORLD CUP. Which the bar owner apparently forgot about in agreeing to our proposal. Then we are told that actually they had a rush earlier, so there are no cold soft drinks. Ally and I are talking with a woman, who I believe is the owner’s wife. I exasperatedly mention that maybe we should get drinks from another nearby bar and bring them here. This, of course, is outrageous to her, as we would be using the dance space and electricity, etc, but not paying for anything. “But you don’t have anything TO buy,” I point out. She suggests giving the girls warm sodas, because for goodness sakes, they’re children, and they’re lucky to be getting sodas anyway. I refuse this notion. We end up parting ways, without resolving much. I go inside to talk to Raili (the girls are currently dancing on the floor, but still with the male world-cup-watchers present and no soft drinks). She is sitting at a table, looking both angry and upset. There are two guys that have taken over the table next to us, which we were told was for us. I approach them, and they—in the douchiest, high-horse way—inform me that they have rented this table. Yes. They paid for it. With money. THEY HAVE MONEY. WHICH THEY USED TO PAY FOR THIS TABLE. MONEY. DID YOU HEAR THAT? They have money. I try to explain that we were promised this table, but THEY HAVE MONEY. I turn away, frustrated. The boss’s wife comes up to Ally and I again, trying to work things out, and I point out the men sitting at the table we were promised. She immediately goes up to them, and shoes them away, to another, smaller table in the back of the bar. Barely containing my glee, I run up to Raili and yell over the music, “VICTORY NUMBER ONE!”

After that, everything got better. I don’t know if the game ended, or the bar kicked the men out, but all the world-cup watchers left. The table-stealing men soon followed suite. The owner’s wife found cans (as opposed to glass bottles) that were cold. They were more expensive, but at this point we didn’t really care. All the girls were thrilled. The owner’s wife then took up the post at the entrance of the club, keeping out ALL other people, especially men/boys. We had a fabulous time. We taught the girls the “Wobble” line dance, but otherwise mostly danced to West African music. Ten PM came way too soon, although I was definitely sweating so much that my hair was soaked. We marched the girls back to the school, where we were sleeping, and had them go to bed.

Overall, this was a really amazing experience for me. Obviously, I worked at a summer camp for three summers during college. I always loved it. It also always terrified me. Having to get up in front of children and sing songs, or act out silly skits. Lead them in activities. Terrifying. But somehow, it always was such a positive time for me, and as far as I know, good for the kids as well. I was once accused of “not being there for the kids”, and hey maybe I wasn’t as dedicated as the other so-called perfect counselors, but I did put in my best effort. I constantly fought the effort to hide in the background (I sometimes succumbed), and for the most part I did put aside my fears and dance merrily, dress crazily, smile and encourage the kids.

This time, however, I wasn’t on the Mountain. I always felt an energy at MLR that would take me weeks to lose when returning home. Maybe it was the atmosphere, the way everyone from the camp director to the newest counselor worked to exude this energy. Maybe it was all the joys of former campers and counselors that lingered on the mountain. But I was always so inspired, so moved, so let out of my shell when I was there. I was really wary in planning this camp. As in, “oh god, I’ll have to act out these skits, this time without an audience of American children, who were guaranteed to ‘get’ it.” I didn’t have other counselors thoroughly trained alongside me, who knew the songs and skits perfectly as well. Plus, I’d always had a director, a tried-and-true schedule that we used every year, program directors, and so on. Here, it was all on me and Raili. We made it work, and despite my paranoia, it turned out great. The girls seemed to love it, despite our flaw of not scheduling them 5 shower-times a day, which they seemed to require. I even found myself imagining towards the end, that I might create a summer camp in West Africa. Maybe in some beautiful location, bus girls (and boys) in from all over the country, and have a fabulous experience for all of them. Camp was such a staple of my summers growing up, and made such a huge, wonderful impact on me. I’d love for that to be part of the culture here, as well. I’ve even come up with plans to make the camp almost entirely sustainable. Basically after “earthship” models. These are made using old tires and mud as walls (which keep the temperature at a really steady level, eliminating the need for A/C and Heat). Plus they collect rain water, which is used in different levels, i.e. obviously drinking water is the fresh water. Then say cleaning (dishes and shower water). The water used in those is then transferred to your toilet, until finally that water is used, and disposed of into the earth. Energy-wise, of course, we’d have solar power. We’d use Smart Boards (basically powerpoint-like projections that you can write on like they’re a chalkboard) for lessons. But wouldn’t that be cool? A sustainable camp (maybe still using food from local farmers, as a way to support local business, and then maybe some paper to print things out that we wanted to girls to keep) for children in West Africa. Okay, there’s one of my many endeavors I want to undertake. How to complete this all in one lifetime…

For a some more narrative on the camp, and pictures, here is Raili’s blog:


Camp ends the completion of all of my official, specific projects. I have nothing detailed that needs to be completed before the end of Peace Corps (except for my school study).

However, the Tuesday after (June 24) marked the one-year anniversary of my Village Savings and Loans group that I started. We had a celebration the following Friday (despite my protests, because I didn’t want them to spend their money on a party, that’s not the point. But they ended up taking up a collection for the party amongst themselves, so whatever). The exciting part was distributing the money. Although they originally said they didn’t want to distribute individual savings, they did this year. This is due to a bunch of people not starting right away, or not keeping up with the savings program later, so there were a lot of gapes in the savings amounts. Now that the group is well-established, however, this will hopefully mean that the savings efforts will be stronger next year. So they are all starting at zero, but everyone is really excited to build the savings back up. I also showed them how to calculate the “profits” and distributed those according to their “savings” which also function as “shares” of the organization. I’m really proud of this group, and what we’ve been able to accomplish. I really hope they are able to keep going strong after I leave. As of now, some of the more dedicated members have started one other small “tontines” group, which is kind of like savings and loans, but it functions like a collection is taken every week, and distributed to one member on a rolling basis. I also met with a friend of Dennis. This is a guy that works with improved cookstoves in our region, and he and Dennis are talking of starting a Savings and Loans group exclusively for improved-cookstove producers, so that they have capital to buy supplies in larger quantities. I’m sending him all of the documents I’ve developed, plus improving my computer-version, so he can just do the accounting on his computer. Without my computer, this has proved a little difficult, but I made sure he knew that it might be delayed, and have been working at the workstation to fine-tune all of this. I really don’t know what the final outcome will be, but I really hope it does help some people.

The Savings and Loans Group at our celebration

 Meanwhile, working with Ben Club, the other Savings and Loans group, has been a regular pain. I struggled to get all of their accounts in order. Finally, right before I left for the business plan competition, I managed to have everything perfect. I come back three weeks later, and am going over the books with them. “So what you’re telling me,” I say, looking at the numbers, “is that you had 809,325 francs, and you gave away 820,000 francs in loans, and yet still had some left over??” Yes, that is exactly what they were saying. I repeated this a few times, until they understood that actually, this math was a problem.

Finally, the following week, we figured out that there was a reimbursement that hadn’t been recorded. And therein lies all of the problems of Ben Club. People just do things. They don’t write them down. Or if they do write them down, it’s on a scrap piece of paper that becomes part of a stack. This stack, however, doesn’t do math, nor does it automatically incorporate itself into the group finance statements. So I once again lectured them, trying to drill into their heads that they can do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING with money, unless it is written down in the group books. If they don’t know how to write it down there, then they can’t do it. Finally, with the mystery solved, I go through some more of the steps with the guy that they’ve put in charge of the accounting books. “Hey, do you think you could give me a lesson on all this accounting?” he asks.

At this point I almost explode. I want to shout, “WHAT HAVE I BEEN DOING FOR THE PAST YEAR??? I’ve been teaching you this for OVER A YEAR!” But, instead of saying that, I smile and set up a time where we can work together on this, making sure, he really, deeply understands all this.

Other than that, I finally don’t have much work. Which means I’ve been cleaning my house (that simply means transferring the mess from room to room in  rotating manner). I finally got rid of all the kittens, and pray daily that Luna is either already preggars, or now doesn’t get pregnant at all. I can’t bring her on the flight if she’s pregnant, so that’s an issue.

I’m now down in Cotonou, where I will see off Ally (she is actually a third-year in Benin, and is finally leaving now), celebrate July 4, have my COS medical appointment (just to make sure there aren’t any issues that need to be addressed before leaving the country), work on computer-things, and hang out with other volunteers. Only two more months until I am home! Crazy!

Monday, June 2, 2014

Misogyny and Macs


It just so happens that recent events [the shooting rampage in Santa Barbara] make the first part of my blog, sadly, more relevant. Just one more story where #YesAllWomen have at some point experienced intense fear in rejecting a man, and have often been reduced to a sexual object, instead of considered a person with feelings and desires that aren’t required to align with the males around her. Whatever else you might say, the misogyny the permeates our society definitely played a part. It’s a reminder of the world of fear that women live in. A world where men commit acts of violence again women, small and big, and yet we have little protection. We walk to our cars with keys clutched in our hands. We heard once that the eye was the most vulnerable part on the body, and we’re ready to stab it. Or currently, I grip my moto helmet in a way that it is ready to swing. Where we check the back seats of cars or behind us when we turn down a street. Society tells men that they are entitled to our bodies, and women fear a man’s anger if we try to claim our own space. That is not to say every man is dangerous, but there are enough men to create this atmosphere of terror, because ALL WOMEN have experienced it at some point. Maybe not shooting, but those cat calls as you walk down the street detailing what men want to do to you, then calling you stuck-up when you don’t immediately respond or submit; the rape threats on the internet just for daring to disagree with a man’s point of view: men’s constant reminders that this is their world.

I’m just going to go ahead and link through a few articles I think are good reads mentioning the #YesAllWomen hashtag.

“I’m not an Angry Feminist. I’m a Furious One.” – Jezebel.com

“Your Princess Is in Another Castle: Misogyny, Entitlement, and Nerds” – The Daily Beast

Collection of the best tweets from Thought Catalog & TIME

#NotAllMen: How Not to Derail Discussions of Women’s Issues – Slate.com

Why is it so Hard For People to Get That Elliot Rodger Hated Women? – Gawker
“They follow you home; they yell in the bar; they grab you. And every once in a while, they kill you. “Not All Men,” sure, as the joke goes. But the people who live that the risk, learn to presume the worst. Living you life in preparation for the moment when a man possibly snaps and tries to kill you can bring on some serious resentment. Resentment, not just of men, though there is that, but of the way that even mentioning the risk makes you subject to claims that you are “oversimplifying” how men behave. That you somehow have a lesser read on human nature and violence than that more reasonable sort who, not having to deal with this behavior, claim you must have imagined it. Even when you literally have a YouTube video proving you aren’t making it up.”


Sunday, 18 May 2014


I am currently barricaded inside my house. I have not opened my door all day, except once to tell my water-girl that actually my water is full at the moment, and once to tell my neighbors to call the police if they saw a strange man around.

I am currently a victim of harassment and stalking. There is a man in Kérou (though he is from Cotonou), right now, who knows exactly where I live, despite the fact that I have never invited him to my house. But now he has invited himself over, because he feels, “true love” for me. Oh, and that is despite the fact that I have told him multiple times in no uncertain terms that I want nothing to do with him. I have told him (in French, so that my message would be perfectly clear), that I hate him, that he disgusts me, and that I would choose hell over ever loving/sleeping with him.

This is also in spite of the fact that a few days ago, he approached my friend, Raili, thinking that she was me. I will say that again. HE CAN’T EVEN TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ME AND SOME OTHER WHITE GIRL. He and I talked for maybe a total of an hour almost a year ago. The only reason he ever acquired my number was because he mentioned to me about his job in exporting Beninese products, and I thought he would make a great contact for the work I want to do. Looking back, maybe I should have known that he was bad news when he and his friend forced their way into Maria’s and my card game, despite our obvious hesitance and lack of willingness to include them.

But women are taught this. They are taught to be accommodating. Even in Western culture, we are taught that we must always strive to be agreeable. Let’s say a man tries to talk to you at a bus stop and you say, “No thanks, I’m not interested.” Yet he continues to talk to you. If you, the girl, suddenly shout, “LEAVE ME ALONE I DON’T WANT TO TALK TO YOU,” then you are labeled as crazy. You’re the one that overreacted.

But then a girl is raped, and you ask why she didn’t fight back or why she didn’t try harder to escape. Why DIDN’T she yell? Did she actually want it?

She didn’t fight back, because every day she is told not to. Until the moment a male's member tries to enter her ladyparts (or perhaps another orifice) she is told to be willing and “chill”, adaptable and amenable. Then suddenly, the only space on her body that is left to be her own, that’s the one that she’s supposed to fight for. But she’s already given up so much when that moment arrives, that she knows she will be blamed for this. Society tells us that men are allowed to violate our space, “accidentally” caress our bodies, pressure us beyond where we want to go, and that’s fine, or at least “boys will be boys”. But if we let that happen, and then that same man rapes us, that is our fault for not telling him “no” in the first place. Women deserve more space than some little hole in her body. We deserve our own spaces in public. We deserve the ability to walk down the street without everything about our appearance and existence being subject to judgment and assessment, stares and harassment.

I can sit here and write about Benin, about the fact that “flirting” often times involves a man grabbing a woman’s wrist and not letting go. I can tell you that this has happened to me, and I hit that man over his head with a plastic bottle when he wouldn’t let go, and yet he still believed that he was entitled to my body. I had a male volunteer share with me that his colleagues have recounted sex with women in stories that would appear to any westerner in amounting to nothing less than rape. Specifically, that women kept saying “no”, but the men justify it as a culture necessity; that women can’t appear to like sex, or they’ll be labeled a slut. They have to say “no,” but the man *knows* that she actually really does want it.

But this happens in the Western world. Guys buy you a drink, and they think they are entitled to have sex with you. Or you where a short skirt, and suddenly if you are raped you wanted anyway. That when a man thinks of himself as a “nice guy”, women are the problem when they don’t throw themselves at him. My sister had a guy follow her through the streets of Paris, wanting to know why he couldn’t find “friendship” there, and would she please, please help him? She refused, but he followed her for many more blocks, then came up to her and said that he had “refound” her, and thus it was fate, and she should pretty-please help him. I had a guy in Italy watch me for hours as I was waiting for the train and trying to sleep, move to different spots to slowly get closer, before finally coming and talking to me. Another, old man offered to pay me money to come to his house. There is a persistent rape culture and ongoing harassment in the US and Europe that permeates much of our society. And there are fringe men that do actively stalk and/or harass women. My current Beninese stalked is a fringe man as well. But their existence continues because society doesn’t always outright condemn them. In fact, I showed a string of texts to a colleague, who told me the guy was “just already treating you like a Beninese wife. Ha ha ha.” There are plenty of “nice guy” complaints, Men’s Rights Actitivits, Pick Up Artists, and so on that contribute to this culture of entitlement for men and fear and belittlement for women.

Yet, I am somewhat thankful that the phrase “NO MEANS NO” is drilled into all of our minds from a young age nowadays in the US. It hasn’t eliminated rape or sexual assault/harassment. We still have far to go. But at least I know for the majority of the time, if I say no, and then I say, “NO MEANS NO,” the guy, however begrudgingly, will leave me alone. He might say I’m crazy. Go home and post of facebook that I’m “stuck up”. He might only actually leave me alone if I claim to have a fictitious boyfriend [sidenote: #MalePrivilege means saying “I have a boyfriend” is the only way to get guys to leave you alone, because they respect the “claim” of another male more than they respect your lack of interest in them. Here, even claiming to be the property of another man isn’t much protection. Here, men seem simply unable to imagine a world where they don’t always get exactly the women they want, married or no] But he’ll most of the time leave. And if not, I can take out a restraining order against him. That’s the beauty of the US. That at least I have a hope that the justice system will at least attempt to work for me. And while there are plenty of women who have stories of the police that ignore them, judge them, or imply that whatever happened was their own fault—or even police that have raped women when called to handle a domestic dispute—I still would say it’s better than here.

But what we need is a world—every single country—where YES MEANS YES. Where boys don’t just stop because they hear “No”, but wait to start until they hear “YES”. [And then of course, each step, each time, after that must be met with a confirmation that it’s okay to proceed. Because one “Yes” is not a carte blanche, thank you.] Where women aren’t thing to be won by pursuit, wooing, and harassment. Where women are fully functional and autonomous human beings who have sex because they want to, not because someone pestered them enough that they let him have an orgasm in or around her body so he’ll shut up. Where men don’t try to trick women into having sex by claiming to be “friends”, and then get mad that they were put in the “friendzone” instead of getting that sex they think they were entitled to for being “nice”. Where women don’t feel guilty for refusing a man just because he spent a dollar to bring her flowers. Where even putting a ring on someone’s finger doesn’t forever and always protect from being found guilty of rape.

On the other hand, in Benin, it’s also saddening knowing that I have more advantages than any other women here. I have a whole string of people I could call up to protect me. I know that despite the lack of protections that exist for Beninese women, I would be safer than the average woman here. I was recently in an accident involving a man on a moto hitting me while I was on my bike. Despite the dubious blame (he was traveling far faster than he should have, but I also made a bad judgment call when turning), even people who witnessed the accident thought I should have brought him to the police. The only reason he wasn’t arrested was because I hobbled away, with my pride and buttocks bruised more than any other real injury.

I could call up the police right now. I have the number of a policeman (who has also tried to sleep with me, but at least understood the concept of rejection, and that’s a story for a different day) who would come and help me. I have warned my neighbors to impede strange men coming to my house. If Hubert and I had any sort of working relationship, I could call him up and most likely within the hour, he would have this man under surveillance, arrested and/or thrown out of town. There is definitely a privilege that comes with being white and with being American. People here might fear Obama sending a drone to this little town if they let me acquire one more scratch on my body. The mayor’s office fears repercussions from the national government; especially in the shadow of Kate Puzey [Now there’s another #YesAllWomen story. It is suspected that this girl was killed as retribution for reporting a teacher raping his students]. While it personally makes me feel a little safer, it simultaneously disgusts me that not all women have this.

I also have the advantage that this particular person doesn’t actually seem to be a very adept rapist. In fact, he has no intention of raping me, at least as he understands it. He has got the crime of harassment down pat, but claims that he means me exactly zero harm in coming to talk to me. [Quote: “You don’t HAVE to kiss me.” (emphasis mine)] And he has given me the advantage of telling me the exact hour in which he expects to call on me. Many women aren’t afforded such a luxury by men who intend to violate their wishes, space, and bodies. Furthermore, I have Peace Corps, who can call up the guy with some more official-ness than myself and tell the guy to back off. I called the Safety and Security adviser today, and gave him this guy’s number. He will call the guy, soon hopefully.

Nevertheless, I don’t feel safe. When he met my friend Raili, she claims all he did was shake her hand multiple times. But there was one time that he called me on a different number, and seemed to take an unusually sexual pleasure in just hearing my voice, so much that I felt violated. I don’t want to give him the pleasure of my voice or my handshake. And I fear the escalation of his anger at my refusal. If he seems to not at all respect my boundaries, what are the boundaries that he would respect?

Thursday, 22 May 2014


So the good news, people, is that I’m still here, safe and sound. I did have the Safety and Security person in Peace Corps [Noel] call this guy, to tell him to bugger off, and threaten him, or whatever. Noel calls me back, saying that this guy is perhaps actually a little unhinged. Noel delivered his spiel about how I’m American, and this guy needs to leave me alone, or there could be legal problems, etc. And the guy LAUGHS. He actually laughs. Then he sends me a message immediately, asking me why I have “gotten thin” like this. Weirdo.

So anyway, he promised to come to my house at 7PM. I told my neighbors tell people I’m not at home and to call the police if anyone shows up. All of my doors are firmly dead-bolted.

Then, a little before this chosen hour, it starts to rain. And I don’t mean just sprinkle, I mean a TORRENTIAL DOWNPOUR. I look up to the skies, and say, “Well played, God”. Here there is this guy who claims to love me, and claims that God will open my heart [or at least my legs] to him, that God gave me a good choice, so ultimately I will choose him, the guy who loves my white skin. Who tells me that I am an ungodly creature if I don’t talk to him.

But now when he wants to see me, guess what, he can’t, thanks to nature and the fact that he has a moto. I had this huge inclination to actually call him up, and be like, “Yeah, whose side is GOD on now?”

But I didn’t. He called me twice more the next day, but I didn’t answer, obviously, and since then I haven’t heard anything. I’m sure he’ll call me in a few days, or send me another message, but that’s whatever. I do live in slight fear as I walk around my village that any guy could be him [oh, because I don’t actually remember what this guy looks like. I didn’t really take him in when I met him, because I found him to be an annoying person who would not play much of a role in my life. After thinking that we could be work partners and giving him my number, he immediately sent me a message saying that he loves me. While I was still sitting beside him, and less than an hour after meeting him. So I wrote him off. And now, I have no idea what he looks like. Yikes] The fear, however, is less. I know that he was only here for a few days, doing something related to his business. And Raili said that he mentioned going to Lagos, Nigeria soon. Since he hasn’t contacted me, I kind of think this means that he has left. And hopefully that is the very LAST time that he ever bothers me to this level again.


IN OTHER NEWS, I finally made one decision for my future. I am no longer staying in Benin. I guess I simply realized that it was time to move on. [I’m in no way blaming it on this guy. If it were about him, I might stay just to spite him, prove that he can't keep me in fear forever.] These past to years have been an amazing, life changing experience, in spite of, or maybe even because of all the drama and trauma. I know now what I want out of life. I’m still a little unsure of how to get there, but I’m working on it. But I think that at this point, Benin has done all that it can for me, and it’s time to take the next step. So, officially, I will be leaving the country on September 5, 2014. I’m moving back to my mom’s house, try to avoid gaining too much weight from all the wonderful food, and figuring life out from there.

In the meantime, I still have plenty going on here. I went to visit Constant’s school again the other day. Things are going along really, really well. All of the desks, blackboards, etc are finished. The kids can actually sit, and keep their books in the desk, and have no risk of falling off. The blackboard is obviously useful. Constant actually teaches two classes now, because the other teacher was not getting paid, so he had to stop. So Constant leaves an exercise on the board for one group of students, and then moves on to the other one.

The classroom, with all the children sitting at real desks!

Recess: playing football with a deflated ball

The garden is getting on very nicely as well. The okra has already grown up, and Constant has sent the kids home with a lot of it. At this point, the project hasn’t been able to pay for someone to feed the kids at the school. That comes next year, after the corn has been harvested. But the corn can’t be planted until the rainy season, which is June. Nevertheless, it is really good that these kids are getting more nutrients. Almost all of them are malnourished. Okra has some good vitamins in them. The cucumbers are also ready, as well as the fake-“spinach” [just some other green, leafy vegetable]. I’m really excited about how everything is coming along.

Constant, in the Garden

Okra growing.

There are only two more weeks or so of class, before all the students will be pulled out to work in their families’ fields. Constant has already enlisted the help of parents to till the earth, and then later he has ensured the parents will let the kids go to help plant in the school’s field.

The chickens are also installed. However, this is the season where livestock often get sick [the beginning of the rainy season, and then the beginning of the dry season as well]. So, while I was there, Constant pulled a few kids out of class, and we went to give them medicine. It’s just something that dissolves in water. The chickens didn’t seem much into drinking it, however, so the kids caught the chickens one by one and force-fed them the medicine. It was kind of funny to see them chase the chickens around. But it’s good the kids obviously are used to chickens. They know how to catch them, and they can tell them apart, so they know when they’ve given the medicine to each. I was impressed, because, obviously this is something that I really have no knowledge of. It does give me more hope for this project, though, knowing that all of the things this project relies on will be able to be taken care of by community members. There is not need for outside experts or whatever else.

Catching chickens to give them medicine


So in conclusion, the project is going really well. I’m pretty much finished with all of my contributions [or rather yours]. Now it just depends on the community taking it from here. I think Raili is going to do some stuff too. For example, Constant wants to plant Moringa at the school and in the community. This is a plant that has amazing quantities of vitamins, protein, etc. And it grows incredibly well. It might really be able to help with the malnutrition. She also wants to set up hand-washing stations, so that the kids learn about better hygiene. So I’m also really excited about all the possibilities, even after I leave.

June is shaping up to be a pretty busy month for me. I have the Business Club Competition mid-June. I am bringing two students to Parakou, where they will compete with students of other volunteers with the business plans they’ve created. So right now I’m helping them finish up writing it. It’s been kind of a hard process. I gave the students a list of questions that would be needed in the Business Plan, and told them to find the answers for the projects they wanted to do. One student is writing a plan to start a beekeeping operation, and the other to start making shea butter and soap. I have even given them some resources. But they seem to struggle with completing it. The form has things like, “Description of Project” and then under in Italics, something like, “What are the main goals of the project?” But they come to me and say, “What does this mean, description of project?” I point to the wording underneath. “Oh, that’s what it means.” Sigh. But we’ve been meeting regularly, and trying to work through the form. Now we just have to type it up and then I’m going to work on public speaking with them to prepare them.

Another thing is the girl’s camp that we’re putting on the weekend after. It is fully funded! Thanks for the support! Now we’re finalizing to lesson plans and getting the supplies, etc. It’s coming up quickly! Raili is putting a lot of work into it, I think because she is getting no where with her other projects. Hubert continues to be unhelpful. She is trying to accomplish things outside of the mayor’s office, but still needs at least a tiny bit of help. Hubert keeps making promises, but then backing out. I know it must be so frustrating for her. But I’m glad we are at least doing some things here that don’t involve Hubert.

I am also really excited; I am working on getting permission from my school to do a survey. It’s really low-key, but basically a survey for my artisans. I’ll be asking them about their businesses, management tools, and access to credit. I hope this can be enlightening for the opportunities and realities for small tradesmen and women here.

So, yeah, a bunch of things to do before I’m through. That’s good, though, at least I have positive things to look forward to up until I leave.

I also got to meet Maria’s parents. They are visiting Benin now, and came to Kérou. We met at Sous Les Neems, our favorite bar, to watch Maria’s team [Atheltico Madrid] in the Championship League finals. Unfortunately they lost, but I had a nice time getting to know her mom and dad. Then we also met up the next day; I made lunch, and for dinner we had Yam Pilé with Maria’s neighbors.

Pounding yams!

Final Note: Sad to say, but I'm actually posting this on a friend's computer. Mine finally kicked the bucket, with only a few months to go. I have been keeping backups, and a Peace Corps worker in Nati has removed my hardrive to make an external hardrive with all of my stuff on it, much like my host brother in Senegal did when my computer died there as well. However, memory can be kind of useless without a screen, motherboard, mouse, keyboard, etc, you know, all the things that make up a successful computer. So blogs may not come again, or if they do, they might be very brief. I will subject to my friend's mercy. But perhaps this will mean have to learn to function, at least for a bit, without constantly being on a computer. Just a few more months, and I'll finally be back in Americaland, flush with cash to purchase a new, healthy mac. Sigh.

In my life, I have owned three laptops. Two of them have died in my possession while I was in West Africa. The third I left with my Senegalese host brother, so I'm sure it has also met its end here. RIP, beautiful, brave laptops. May you blend in spectacularly with all the other beaten down and discarded items on this continent.

Okay, fine, here are some obligatory kitten pics:

Gino; the cat that Raili will take

"Hold on, you got something on your nose!"
"MA! Stop! Leave my nose alone, you're embarrassing me!"

Saturday, May 17, 2014

One Bird Does Not Make Spring; OR If At First You Don’t Succeed, Redefine Success

So to start off, I wanted to show you some pictures from the Donkey-cart Bar Crawl that I did with my friends. I wrote about this in the last entry, but didn't post the pics:

The donkey-cart

Drinking the local home-brewed beer.
Alyssa, Suzanne, Me, Maria, Raili

9 – 11 May 2014


These few days I’ve spent at our “Close of Service” Conference. This is an event where all of the people that I began my service with journey to one place [Cotonou, and then the beach at Grand Popo], and we discuss how to wrap things up here in country, pin down the dates we’re going to leave, and talk about how we’re going to readjust to moving back home.

It’s been a tumultuous time. At this point, I’ve pretty much everything but declare that I’m not going to stay a third year. It’s been a really hard and wrangling decision. I still don’t know if it’s right. We had a panel discussion with former Peace Corps volunteers. Obviously, the ones that were available to talk to us in Benin were ones that went into development work, which is not necessarily the predominant path for all volunteers. However, for me personally, the development and abroad work is the path that I want, so I tried to really listen to their advice. I was encouraged to hear that the emerging thought on development is actually leaning more towards private investment. Since that lines up with the ideas I discussed in my last blog, this actually works out really well for me. On the other hand, the advice from every person is: “It’s not what you know, but who you know.” This of course, is terrifying for me. I hate networking. It’s the worst. Why can’t my accomplishments just speak for themselves? Why can’t someone, somewhere, just look at my resume, my impeccable writing skills, and realize they would love nothing more than to hire me? Suddenly, I want to stay in Benin, find a job here, and spend the next year schmoozing with embassy folks and USAID, etc workers and making connections. But then I realize that’s also one of the things that I don’t look forward to in doing a third year: becoming enveloped in the ex-pat world. If I stay, I want to hang out predominantly with locals.

The speakers did offer me hope, however, by pointing out that Peace Corps is basically like a huge fraternity. Two of the people currently in Benin moved to DC and slept on a fellow RPCV [Returned Peace Corps Volunteer]’s couch while they searched for a job. They got interviews by reaching out to other volunteers in a job they wanted. So I guess the good news is that I have that, I have College of Charleston Alumni networks, and I have Phi Sigma Pi (my honor’s frat) networks [with a very active alumni member in DC!] So quite honestly, this can work. Right now I’ve been applying to what one might call my “dream jobs”, but I’m sure once being back in America, I might loosen my requirements, and look for a job that could at least begin me on a good path, or even one that can get me back OUT of the country as soon as possible.

I’m also worried about readjustment. I’ve told a few people that I had a culture shock just thinking about the availability of ice and soda from a fountain in America. There are many things that make me not want to go home to the excess, the cold, the processed life of America.

Some presenters and fellow volunteers warn me about people that might ask me “So how as Africa? How was your mud hut? How was living with black people?” Questions, that for many people, might send them into a frenzy over the questioner’s ignorance, or the simple inability to wrap up two very significant and life-changing years into one sentence. I feel blessed, however, that the existence of this blog [as well as social media and Skype, etc] means that the vast majority of people that I care about and people I will run into will know more or less about my experience already, and will be able to ask more specific and non-ignorant questions. I feel blessed that many of my friends/peers have also had this experience—Peace Corps or other programs—that have changed them. That is one thing that we’ve also been warned about, that friends that we’ve left behind really won’t have changed. They’ll be older, maybe have a different marital status, but basically the same person. I, however, know I am a very different person than the one that stepped on a plane in Philadelphia two years ago. But so are my friends, my sisters, and my mom. They’ve been doing Peace Corps or Americorps, or gallivanting across the US, or simply taking some life-altering steps. We have a lot of catching up to do. And I find it thrilling that the people around me will have just as much to share with me as I will with them.

The presenters also offered advice about reflecting on our Peace Corps service. If you’ve read my blog, you’ll know that there have been many ups and downs, projects that I loved, and ones that didn’t go so well. One of the ladies offered the quip: “If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.” I’ve talked before about how, obviously, I have really lofty goals, but I’ll settle for even making a small difference. And if I do more than that, obviously that’s even better. But even my failures should help me in the future. Continuing with development work, I’ll know certain things that should be avoided.

For the most part, however, the conference has been largely boring. We went over resume-writing, etc, but I’ve been frantically researching that the past month as I suddenly decided to apply to jobs. I simply used my computer and the internet to apply to more jobs.

Nevertheless, we were in Grand Popo, which is a beautiful beach town in Benin. Here are some pictures from the conference:

The view from one of the rooms.

The beach

Alyssa and I chilling

I also had a chance to talk with Yves about my frustration in Kerou, and Peace Corps’ seeming ambivalence to the struggle my life has been. He explained that, of course, PC can’t go around being rude and burning bridges. Which is the opposite of my intentions. I want to burn so many bridges. Too bad all the bridges here are made of stone...

Okay, but I get it. I explained all the reasons that I think no volunteers should be put in my situation ever again. And Yves said something along the lines of he was starting to realize that Hubert was not the upright, helpful, professional person he appeared to be. Which I understand. If you go back and read my blogs from the very beginning of my service, I was enamored by Hubert. I thought we were going to accomplish great things together. He is so good at saying great things. His problem is the follow-through and the outright lying. Yves obviously has much less day-to-day interactions with him, so it just took longer for him to see. I am glad that Yves trusts me to see. Obviously, both of us would love for a volunteer to be able to work in Kerou, because the people there would benefit. But as long as Hubert is there, and there is no one able/willing to work with us, provide real structure, etc, it’s just not even worth it. I told him about the effort I’ve been making, to little avail, and Yves responded in French that, “One bird does not make spring.”


16 May 2014


Every second, my mind changes, regarding my future. Why is this so hard??? Why can’t I just figure out what I want and exactly how to get there? Right now?

I talked with Yves, and we discussed my possibility for my third year of service. I was all prepared to tell him no. I actually talked with the owner of the organization I would potentially work with. It is an organization called La Bel Benin, which buys and sells local products [i.e. neem cream, shea butter, dried fruits, etc] And honestly, the guy didn’t seem too sure of what he would do with me. I offered up that I’m really good at organizing, would be fabulous at helping them come up with an organization system [yes I am my mother’s daughter], that I can crunch numbers for new/ongoing projects, etc. But I don’t have much expertise in the way of drying fruit [a project this organization wants to expand] or looking for export markets, etc. Honestly, it seems like I might learn more from this organization than I have to offer them in concrete skills at the moment. I didn’t know if that would be a good fit.

But then Yves talked about how I could work in their administrative services, as well as going into the field, meeting with producers/suppliers. And this is EXACTLY what I want to be doing in my life. I want to have a business that expands production in developing countries. Maybe not on the baseline level, but at least one that buys from local producers, etc. So maybe this is exactly where I should be. I should be here, have an actual job [instead of dicking around in village, not really accomplishing much]. I should see a real business in a developing country at work, experience the issues they run up against, and try to work with them to find solutions, knowing what I know about village life combined with American consumers and basic marketing skills.

But then I realize this country sometimes makes me miserable. I get mad at people so easily. I very rarely feel truly happy. I’m not healthy. Not at all.

So do I choose career advancement and possibly saving the world, or do I choose my own selfish impulse to go home, curl up in my mom’s basement, DRIVE MY BEAUTIFUL CAR again, and then peace out and crash on my friend’s couch/hammock in Puerto Rico [no, this is real thing] and possibly do some cool entrepreneurship development there? I WOULD GET TO LEARN SPANISH.

I visited a friend here in Benin. Her site is absolutely gorgeous. I live in the north, which is the Sahel. The Sahel is the less-deserty area south of the Sahara Desert. It’s nothing but sand and dried weeds and clay. It’s almost entirely flat, except for a few rocks that jut up from the ground once in a while. But this girl lives in the “Collines” or “Hills” region of Benin. She looks out on beautiful hills in every direction. There is so much green all the time. There are so many palm trees, everywhere. Anyway, the organization she is working closely with has a little office, that is just open on the top floor. The desk just faces out on this beautiful landscape, beside a coconut palm tree, and gets the breeze that floats through. Oh, and did I mention that in one corner of this office, there is a hammock that you can just casually relax in to take a break from work?

Me, in the hammock

The view from the office

 That is what I want. I want that. I want to work in a tropical location. It can be a desk-ish job, as long as I also get to get up from that desk a lot. I want my life to be relaxed and beautiful. That’s all. I think, of course, this will be most easily accomplished by just starting my own business, so I’m my own boss and can make all the decisions about office locations/set-up.

So I think in a year I want to apply to get and MBA. And really either way, I’d make a fabulous candidate. Either I have, I lived in Benin for 3 years, two of which I was pretty much on my own, but still did cool development projects, and one I worked this kick-ass job where I got on-the-ground experience with business development. Or alternatively, the first part is true, but year 3 becomes learning my 3rd language, and working in a country with entirely different economic needs/issues.  So does it really matter what I do?

This is the part where I wish I believed that god was an entity that actually told you what to do. JUST THIS ONCE, GOD I DON’T WANT FREE WILL. Just this one decision, make for me. K, thanks. No, really.

Don’t you just love giving me money?


So the last thing I’m going to write about for now is another plug for money. With some local volunteers, I am organizing a girls’ camp. It’s really exciting, because this is almost like I’m back at Mar-Lu-Ridge [see, that was another time in my life where I never had any questions about my future. I knew my summer job, every summer, for three years. It was perfect. But I digress.]

There are 6 volunteers organizing the camp for 30 girls. Three of those volunteers, obviously come from Kerou [Maria, Raili, and I]. Then there are three others in the county that is south of us. These are the people that we hang out with a lot, and we thought it would be cool to do this together. Plus, it’s awesome that we are in multiple sectors together. We have an Economic development volunteer [me], a Community Health volunteer [Maria], two Environment volunteers, [Raili, and Will from Oussa], and then two TEFL volunteers, [Ally K, who incidentally is a CofC graduate!, and Ron, who is near Oussa].

So we are all getting together to organize this camp. We’ll have different lessons for these girls [middle-school age] about everything from budgeting to safe sex. We will also talk about girl’s empowerment, and encourage them to take a leadership role in their community. I’m really excited about the project. It will give me a chance to interact with girls like I haven’t before, and hopefully influence a few lives.

So we do need some money for this. And that’s where YOU come in!

I know I recently asked for you money for another cause, so for this one, I’m not asking as much. The amount is less than my other project, and is split between multiple volunteers and their families/friends. So even if you can throw a few dollars my way, that would be SO, SO, SO appreciated.

Thank you once again by everyone’s constant support. I honestly wouldn’t have made it this far without your encouraging words when I’m down, and more just knowing that people know what I’m doing here, and think that I’m doing a good thing, or at least trying. I don’t think I can every express how much it means to know that people are reading my blog, thinking about me, wishing me luck from afar, and so on.

Here is the link for my donating to my project, which is called “Eastern Atacora Girl’s Empowerment Camp 2014”:



Love you all!